Gratitude for the Chaos

Sam was my best friend. Despite all he dealt with, he was amazing. I’m not exaggerating when I say I think you could find a lot of people who agree. He was radiant and unapologetically himself. He was always down for an adventure, and he pushed me outside my comfort zone. He was the best hype man ever. He could make me laugh harder than anyone else, especially when we weren’t supposed to be laughing.

Sam’s substance use disorder materialized when I was 9 and he was 12. Things got a lot messier a few years later when my parents realized how bad it was. He got sent to rehab when I was 12—3 years before I was supposed to be the only kid at home. I could talk for hours about dysfunction in our family, and I have (in therapy). My parents’ marriage suffered, and I hid away in my room doing homework. My brother was in and out of rehab several times. I was embarrassed to have friends over because I never knew what they’d be walking into. I’m sure they knew more than I wanted them to about what was happening in my home, but it wasn’t really until I moved out of the house for college that I felt comfortable confiding in friends and mentors about what I was going through. I'm glad I got better at this before Sam died in the middle of my hardest semester of law school--I relied heavily on my support system to get through it, and people seemed eager to help. Everyone knows someone who struggles with substance use disorder; it's a family disease. Sometimes people get uncomfortable when I’m more open than they expect, but most of the time, they seem to find it comforting. And then they feel comfortable sharing whatever’s going on in their lives with me.

I am so grateful for my experiences because they allow me to connect with and comfort others. Sam taught me to be empathetic, generous, kind, authentic, silly, and so much more. I know he’d be proud of me and of our family for doing this.

We are always growing, and we’re here for a reason! The only constant in this life is change. I challenge you to see what happens if you’re a little more open with the people in your life about what’s good, bad, and messy. And don’t take yourself too [darn] seriously (AA Rule 62).